Lostguy818

Back at the house after a long day of being judged by people merely grasp on to what fleeting hold they still have on the modeling industry, some of the girls take a soak in the hot tub. Bianca, never one to shy away from stating her opinion or guaranteeing camera time, starts to talk about Heather…who is sitting right there in front of her. Bianca says Heather doesn’t have to work as hard as the rest of the girls. All she has to do is get some good eye makeup on, and bam, she’s got a good picture. In her private interview, Heather says she takes a better picture because she is an artist and thinks about what the finished product will look like. Back at the hot tub, Heather defends herself and other girls take up for her as well. Bianca later tells the camera that she is sick of everyone babying Heather and protecting her. Go ahead, Bianca, tell us how you really feel.

The next morning, the first Tyra Mail arrives, which says: “This is why I’m hot and this is why you’re not.” The girls don’t even bother to guess at what this deliberately vague communiqué means and just get on the eco-bus to wherever they have to go. It turns out that they end up at some kind dance studio, where they find a table full of beige unitards and ugly-ass beige dance shoes. I think these are cast-offs from one of those “body image” episodes of Tyra’s talk show, but I could be wrong. The Tyra Mail card on the table with the clothes merely instructs them to put on the outfits.

Dressed out like a bunch of pale mimes, the girls wait in the dance studio to see what fate will befall them. In comes Tyra Banks in a black unitard with a cute skirt and some leg warmers. Her hair is wavy and flowing and her face isn’t being eaten by her bangs, as Joel McHale says weekly on The Soup. She’s also sporting a dancing cane and seems quite out of breath for this entire visit. She bangs the cane on the floor and shouts, “Fame! Ain’t! Free!” She then says she’s there to teach them about being sexy and how to move for a television camera and in videos. She regales them with tales of videos she’s been in, which includes one for George Michael back in 1992…when these girls were in grade school.

Tyra has four lessons for the girls. The first is the sexy model runway walk, which entails stomping across the room with anger and a penetrating look. She demonstrates the walk once then makes the girls do it with her. Honestly, it looked like most of them hadn’t a clue what they were doing, but maybe they were just in shock at being in Tyra’s presence. The second lesson is how to look “sweet and coy.” She makes them stand in front of the long, mirrored wall and play-act the sweet-coy thing by rubbing their own shoulders and batting their eyelashes. Think cartoon flirty, and you’ve got it. The third lesson is the “wall slide” which is exactly what it sounds like. The girls each have to slide down with their backs against a wall and look sexy. The difference between “hootchie” and “sexy” is keeping one’s legs closed on the down-slide. Of course, the girls also have to be able to get back up, which Lisa couldn’t do because of weak leg muscles. Heather, on the other hand, slides up okay physically, but she turns her eyes up and, as Tyra says, looks possessed. The final lesson involves putting on knee pads, but keep your mind out of the gutter as they were merely learning to do the sexy crawl across the floor. Tyra isn’t happy with Chantal’s performance, saying that she wants to shake Chantal out of her malaise. Tyra thinks Bianca is holding back and is self-conscious. Heather does the crawl and takes direction well from Tyra, but to me she looks like one of those big walker things from the start of Empire Strikes Back. Bianca is none too pleased with all the love being showered on Heather, commenting that Heather can do no wrong for Tyra. Tyra comments that Heather has a Tim Burton-esque sensuality, which sounds okay on one hand and on the other sounds like she thinks Tim Burton himself is sensual and that just gives me the creeps.

Back at the house, the girls are all jabbering about their weight, one even gaining a *gasp* whole pound. This cues Sarah to worry again about her weight and size, as she feels too small for plus sized modeling and too large for fashion modeling. Later, Heather stares intently at the fresh Tyra Mail on the counter, as though she’s trying to teleport the document. She eventually shouts out that another message has arrived and the girls scramble in to see what the latest clue is. This time it says, “Musicians love models. Do you have what it takes to share the spotlight?” Then they all know it’s time for a video shoot!

Off they go in the eco-bus to a theater in LA. The assemble on stage and in the audience is Jessy Terreo, a video director, and his two assistants Lisa Arianna and Billy Parks. Jessy is shooting a video for an “international and domestic” star, but he won’t say who it is. All the girls will get to be in the video, but one will be featured more prominently. Jessy, the artist, and the record label will pick the girl after makeup is done and the artist gets to meet with the girls.


The models go to hair and makeup and are dressed in skimpy black pleather outfits. They wait in a trailer and Jessy comes back in with the artist, and it’s…Enrique Iglesias! *yawn* This guy is everywhere all of a sudden, and quite frankly, I had enough of him on “How I Met Your Mother” a few weeks back. He briefly chats with the girls and comments that they are all beautiful, but the choice comes down to personality. He goes away to consult with his posse and the girls sit around and wait on set.


Sarah is uncomfortable with the wardrobe being so skimpy and doesn’t feel it flatters her in any way. Chantal is convinced she will do well on the video shoot and should be the one chosen to be featured. Finally Jessy shows up and says the video is going to be for Enrique’s song “Tired of Being Sorry” and the video will have a vampire feel, I suppose because vampires are rarely sorry. Jessy is looking for a girl with a goth look, so they naturally chose Lisa who is about as goth as Martha Stewart. Jessy also has plans to feature Heather as well, because she has a gothy look about her, with all that long dark hair. Bianca is fairly outdone at this turn of events, which is a shock to absolutely no one.

The video shoot gets underway. From what we can gather from the shoot, the basic scenario is Enrique comes into a club populated by vampire-ish (because they’re all in black) models who are dancing to some music we don’t hear. They can’t be dancing to his song, because the tempo is all wrong for their movements. He’s supposed to be stalking through the club and all the women want him, but the main vampire girl (not an ANTM-er) is going to get him. It’s quite silly, actually, but most videos are.


The first scene shot involves Jenah and Heather at the front door of the club. Jenah just looks at Enrique, but Heather has to stop him and turn his face toward her. Chantal’s shot is next; she has to stand in the middle of the club and track his move across the floor. Jessy doesn’t think Chantal “owned it” at all. Ambreal has to slide down a pole, much like the slide down the wall thing Tyra taught them, so she’s pretty confident. Jessy thinks she did okay, but she looked a bit awkward and she kind of stuck her tongue out at one point. Lisa’s featured shot involves her stopping Enrique in the hall of the club by putting her leg across the path, up on the wall across from her. She does a great job of it and conveys some sensuality. The final shot the individual models have involves Bianca, Saleisha, and Sarah all together in a room as background for Enrique’s encounter with the main vampire girl. Sarah and Saleisha sit on a couch and try to look alluring while Saleisha is all come-hither with some chains.


The final scene of the night involves everyone in the club dancing with high energy. Jenah points out that this can be quite difficult after spending the day in five inch heels. Heather hasn’t eaten anything since breakfast, and it’s about eight p.m., so she starts feeling woozy. She crouches off to the side to try to regain her strength, but it’s not working. Some other girls see her in distress and try to help her. The on-scene medic arrives and decides to help her walk out of the hot set and get some fresh air. Heather, however, can’t make it; she stumbles several times before collapsing, and the medic ends up putting her in a chair and giving her oxygen. She’s paler than death and her skimpy costume is in danger of creating a wardrobe malfunction, but the concern is on reviving her. They give her a banana and some water and she perks back up. The medic admonishes her that she needs to eat during the course of the day. Saleisha explains the incident as Heather having been too excited at the shoot, but Bianca holds the opinion that a modeling life is just too much for Heather to handle and she’s destined for a nervous breakdown if she stays in the industry. Bianca is a tad bitchy, but if all those other skinny girls managed to eat something and Heather neglected it, maybe Bianca has the kernel of a point. With Heather revived, the girls head home at three a.m. and find the usual Tyra Mail warning everyone of the next day’s elimination.


The next day brings the judging panel; the girls gather before Tyra, Twiggy, Nigel, Miss J (in a huge Afro wig), and Jessy, the video director. Tyra runs through the prizes again, and she seems a bit more in control of her breathing than at the dance studio. The girls are going to be judged on their performance in the video, so they will see clips of the unedited footage. Lisa is up first and gets good reviews from everyone. Ambreal’s pole slide is called sexy and hot, but way too hootchie by Tyra, though Jessy thought she connected well with the camera. Nigel has an issue with the tongue thing and warns her to be aware of what she’s doing at all times. Saleisha and Sarah are called up together because they were in the same shot. Tyra loves Saleisha’s performance but Nigel thinks Sarah conveyed an awkwardness about her figure. Personally I didn’t see it and I think Nigel is an ass for continuing to insist that Sarah lost a lot of weight. Maybe she lost a few pounds, but taking her hair up from the length it was thinned out her face more than she could have in the two or three weeks they’ve been in the house.

Heather and Jenah are called up together as well, since they too shared a scene. The panel thought Jenah was too happy and sparkly to be a vampire but they loved Heather, as usual. Chantal gets the regular criticism that she’s holding back something and Bianca’s performance is labeled sexy by Jessy but jerky by Tyra, especially the kissy face she made repeatedly. The girls are then dismissed so the judges can deliberate.

Nigel says the camera loves Lisa, while Twiggy finds no magic with Ambreal’s shots. Miss J thinks Ambreal has star quality but maybe not model quality. Jessy says Jenah is not in control of her sexiness and comments she did better before the cameras were turned on. Tyra loves that Heather can be coached and get it right away, which Jessy echoes in saying that Heather seemed a bit off at the start but stepped up in performance. Oddly enough, the whole passing out/not eating thing is not mentioned at all by the panel. Twiggy thought Saleisha’s face looked beautiful and Tyra said she didn’t look as girl-next-door as she’d expected. Sarah gets no mercy from Nigel who says she hasn’t improved at all and still has issues with her not being plus sized and not being thin. Chantal disappointed Jessy and fell flat for Tyra. Finally, Bianca’s confidence and sexiness impressed only Jessy.



The girls are called back in and Tyra hands out photos from the shoot to Lisa, Heather, Saleisha, Bianca, Ambreal, and Jenah. Tyra comments to Jenah that she fell apart at being criticized by the panel, that’s why she was so low in the call-out order. Sarah and Chantal are called forward as the bottom two. Tyra say they are both very good models but not at the top (obviously). Sarah has been coasting, and though she’s very good at modeling, there is no easy place for her in the modeling industry. Chantal is also coasting and the panel thought her video performance was a waste of film. Tyra then allows Chantal to stay on. Chantal and Sarah hug, and Chantal tears up and looks ill. Sarah is far worse though, sobbing at her elimination. Tyra does her “there, there, dear” hug and Sarah goes to say a brief good-bye to the other girls. She manages a half laugh through her sobs, saying she’s such a dork for crying. She goes back to the house and packs, saying wistfully on her departure that maybe someday someone who looks like her can win this game show modeling competition.